Things change, people change you realize seasons of life are different. One door closes for another door to open.
I finalized my divorce and I magically expected the bubble I had been in since my husband moved out would just pop and I would instantly be happy. After all, I am the one who divorced him so I should be happy it’s over, right?
I felt everything except happiness.
I felt an overwhelming flood of emotions. I was sad and almost depressed. After all I had to finally accept the choice I made and now I was a single mom of 3, a divorced woman. Something I never wanted.
I loved my husband and I still do love him I just did not want to be married to him anymore. I was not happy. We had good times and bad times, we spent a lot of years together. He is a good man he just has the wrong priorities. Our family and marriage felt like it wasn’t enough for him. He choose to make everyone else happy except us.
During the divorce deep down I expected him to become this knight in shining armour and come back to try and fight to fix our marriage. Boy was I setup up for another unrealistic expectation and disappointment.
It was quite the opposite, during our divorce I was pregnant then I had a newborn so I didn’t get to act like a single person like he did. He choose to spend his free time hanging out with his friends, going on vacations and probably dating other people. I choose to emotionally still feel married and just work and take care of our children. I didn’t take time for myself. I basically ignored what was happening.
Once I received the final decree with the judges decision in my email reality set in. I was heart broken, it was officially over. There was no more hope or fantasy that he would try to come back. My journey of being his wife was closed. I felt abandoned. It hit me like a thousands bricks. That bubble I felt I was in never popped and I was emotionally stuck. I cried non-stop while regretting the choice I made to divorce him.
I had all these feeling hit me at once. I kept telling myself you should be happy you won, this is what you wanted, he treated you so bad, it’s all over now, but I wasn’t. In the eyes of the courts we were over, but telling that to my heart was another thing. I was miserable and I started binge eating to cope with my feelings.
It wasn’t until about two months after the divorce decree was official I realized I can’t keep eating and ignoring my feeling. I needed to stop and deal with my life choice and the reasons behind the choice that I made.
The fantasy of what I thought my marriage would be and the reality of what it was were completely different. I knew I was not strong enough to deal with all these emotions on my own.
I talked to my doctor she referred me to a counselor to help me through the emotional trauma I was feeling. I worked with a counselor she helped guide me through the train wreck that I felt my life was in. Dr. Kelly is amazing, she provided me with honesty and guidance. People say divorce is like a death and unless you have went through it you can never understand it. It honestly is life changing.
Through journaling and Dr. Kelly’s guidance she helped me see the light through the mud. I needed to accept and deal with my feelings. I am not fully healed however I have finally started to take the right steps to learning how to love myself again.
For so many years I neglected being happy, I was more concerned with making my husband happy not myself. Even though I am still early on in the healing process I feel for once happy. I’m not dating yet, I am working on being the best mom I can, I’m working hard on growing my business, and I am taking time for myself to enjoy life again. I started a new hobby.
Meeting with a nutritionist to helped me understand portion control and learning food can not be a way to cope with my emotions. I joined a gym with a daycare and I am taking time for myself not only to recover emotionally but also physically.
Learning to love myself again and enjoying life. I know my journey doesn’t end being a single mom. In the future I will be open to dating and being loved by someone else.
In life situations change and choices have to be made. Writing this blog gives me a flood of emotions as I think about all the up’s and down’s that was in our marriage.
Even though I wish things would of turned out differently they didn’t. Accepting and learning to embrace my new life one day at a time. As each day passes it hurts a little less and my heart is beginning to heal.